ARE YOU (TOO) RESPONSIBLE?

RESPONSIBILITY MATTERS

Growing up, I felt responsible for my mother's well-being and I took it on to make sure my mom was happy. However, I was obviously not successful because it's simply not possible to be responsible for someone else's state of mind, even if our behaviors impact others. And that's the crux here, our mood, state of mind, and behaviors affect others so how do we stay mindful and caring without taking responsibility?

I used to have a boss who would say, "Oh, just ok," every morning when I asked him how he was doing when entering the office. I didn't know how to say hello, but eventually, I stopped because it was simply such a downer to hear that every morning. Granted, I am hyper-sensitive to other people's moods, partly because of growing up with a mom that struggled with bipolar disorder and also being an empath. For me, that means I get a feeling in my body of what other people are feeling, and I have to pause and identify if the feelings and emotions are mine or not. 

Self-awareness is crucial for creating change and reclaiming agency because we can be very reactive to our emotions if we don't understand them.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling that we have done something wrong when other people are not responding to us the way we had hoped. Of course, we need to be mindful and discerning and not say or act in a way that is hurtful to someone else; however, being responsible for others' feelings, emotions, and moods is not the same. It's a fine line between us and others, and it's a relationship we have to navigate at work, home, and everywhere, ––all the time.

Do as I say, but not as I do…

We often take on responsibility for others more than for ourselves. Can you relate? We have so many excuses for why we can wait and others can't, don't we? It can even seem easier to be more caring about and for others than ourselves. 

- How often have you not told someone else to take a pause, but you kept going?
- Told them to take a break for a meal, but you kept going on empty?
- Told someone else not to answer emails late at night, but you do?

This is a bit tricky because when we care about others, it can seem easier to abandon ourselves because we feel good about being there for others. We have an honorable reason not to take care of ourselves, and we don’t have to deal with the guilt of putting up boundaries for ourselves.

I'm probably pointing out the obvious here and perhaps also touching a sore point that most of us are not proud to admit; that it’s easier to take care of others than it is to take care of ourselves. Yet when we ignore and push aside our own needs for others, we can end up feeling resentful that there's no time for us. 

It's not a healthy relationship with ourselves or with others, nor are we good role models to those we lead or guide. It's a dose of do as I say, but not as I do. It sends mixed messages and a ripple effect at work that creates an unhealthy culture. This can end up being interpreted that some need self-care and others don’t when really your intention is that self-care matters. This is part of the paradox of self-care; that we don't self-care alone.

“YES, BUT…” EXCUSE, EXCUSES

We “yes, but…” ourselves all the time. It's part of the inner dialog that we constantly engage in and at the core of the tools to reclaim agency over our lives that I write about in The Self-Care Mindset book.

Abandoning ourselves and our self-care is one of the perspectives that others deserve it and we don't need it, that can get us stuck in daily habits and routines that become automatic and mindless ways of undermining ourselves.

Some of our behaviors are inherited from our family and have followed us since childhood, and others are adapted to fit in and belong. There is nothing right or wrong about this; the question is whether or not these behaviors are working against us or for us.

To take responsibility for our choices, actions, and habits, we must first be honest with ourselves. In fact, the most powerful yet the most difficult promise we can make is to be bluntly honest with ourselves.

Are we choosing to avoid pain and pursue immediate relief through pleasure? Or are we willing to go through the discomfort of leaving something we enjoy behind to achieve what it takes to feel better overall? Pleasing others is instant gratification while upholding healthy boundaries is uncomfortable.

The reality is that most people choose immediate relief from pain and seek pleasure. We want instant gratification and relief from whatever frustration, emotion, and stressors we are facing. It's simply just normal human behavior. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling this way, quite the opposite, being aware of it and admitting it to yourself is courageous and powerful.

Taking responsibility is essential to harnessing change and growth, and sometimes we must let go of what we have to get what we want.

As far back as I remember, I wanted to understand where our human emotions and motivation come from, and I wanted to learn how we could get unstuck from the stories we tell ourselves that hold us back from harnessing change and growth. Of course, this all started with me trying to understand my mom and myself and, with that, our relationship.

THE FINE LINE BETWEEN SELF AND OTHERS.

Feeling responsible for others and their feelings and emotions versus taking responsibility for our own, without making excuses for why it's not possible (time) or why we can wait (worth) or why it doesn't matter anyway (value) is the intersection between recognizing how we feel and acknowledging what we need so that we can do what we need to do.

- When we say we don't have time, we stop ourselves from trying to figure out how to make it possible.
- When we say we can wait, we are indirectly telling ourselves we don't matter, and we are not worthy of care.
- When we say that it doesn't matter because no one cares about us, why should we care about ourselves? We have lost our ability to see the value we bring to our work and the relationships we foster and nourish with others as we go through life.

I hope you will rethink what you are feeling responsible for, what you take responsibility for, and how you can reclaim agency over what you are responsibility for.