THE SELF-CARE PARADOX
September is self-care awareness month.
Let’s start by demystifying self-care so we can make it work better for us.
The world has changed. Our lives have changed. Our work has changed. Despite this disruption, our relationship with self-care has remained the same.
And let’s face it, it’s not working.
I used to think being stressed at work is how work is. I even wore it as a badge of honor. I used to think that work is how I express myself and become who I am meant to become. I thought I had to sacrifice myself in order to grow my career. I believed I had to choose between being successful and having a personal life, not to mention putting my health on hold to reach my goals. Many of us have this very relationship with work and self, and if you are like most people, you have accepted that work hurts.
If you know my story, you know that by the time I was 40 years old, I had been through two burnouts and lost my parents to cancer just a year apart. I left my job as a fashion executive and went back to school to reinvent myself and my career.
Can we pause on that for a moment?
That’s what many people are asking. Is this the best it can be? People leave their jobs and change careers to reclaim their health and well-being. To find joy in their work again and nourish their relationships at home.
We realize that our best selves can’t wait, and we shouldn’t have to.
CAN WE FIX BURNOUT?
The burnout crisis is nothing new; it’s just new that we are talking about it, and that’s a good thing because that means we can do something about it. But leaving work and reinventing ourselves should not have to be the solution to preventing burnout and taking back our joy. We have to change the way we work instead by rethinking self-care and resilience at work to no longer choose between our career and our health and wellbeing.
We would never accept losing our career because of our health, and it’s illegal to let someone go because of that, yet we still think it’s expected to lose our health to pursue a career. We felt that we needed more time to take charge of our health. We thought working from home would be the answer to more work-life balance. We were wrong.
More time off does help us regain health and joy, and we see countries and states like CA test 4-day work weeks. Being from Denmark, where the workweek is shorter, and people already spend less time at work and have more vacation, and free time, people still burn out. The challenge we are facing is not work-life balance, it’s the work-life quality. This is why we need to demystify self-care, so we no longer have to choose between work and life, and we can make work, work better for us.
WHAT IF WHAT WE BELIEVE ABOUT SELF-CARE IS WHAT GETS IN THE WAY OF SELF-CARE?
We think of self-care as a luxury, retreat, or something fluffy when instead, it’s a mindset for focused, committed, hard-core individuals who want to perform consistently at their peak level without burning out.
We still see self-care as a side-hustle, something we do after work to recover when it’s how we work better, so we don’t have to recover.
We still see self-care as selfish when it’s how we show up better for others and our work.
We still see self-care as something we do when we have time; instead, self-care makes time crucial in navigating stress and overwhelm.
We still see the cure for burnout as taking time off, even though we don’t burn out from working too much, but from worrying too much.
We still see self-care as a list of perfect habits to do, when instead, self-care is how we think - a mindset - that helps us navigate stress better.
We still see our emotions as something we need to hide and suppress when, instead, our emotions are a doorway to cultivating connection, communication, and collaboration.
We still see self-care as something we do alone when, instead, it’s how we build a better and healthier culture together.
RETHINKING SELF-CARE AT WORK
We have three core relationships: the one we have with ourselves, the one we have with others and the one we have with work.
Traditionally we separate these three relationships, we juggle between them, and we do our best to prioritize. Most people think of these three relationships based on where we spend our time, energy, and focus. Most of our time and attention is on work, then we spend some time with family and friends, and then if there’s time left over for us, and if we have any energy left, we will do some self-care.
It will never work.
I often hear people say that they need to put themselves first, and it works for a few days, maybe a few weeks. They focus on getting a workout routine on the schedule, and that’s the extent of the self-care that many hope to achieve.
As much as we need to move and use our bodies, especially as work for many means hour after hour sitting in front of our computers, a workout routine is also not going to prevent burnout.
People say they give themselves permission to take some time off and take a self-care day. What’s happening to us? How did we end up here? Of course, it’s a step forward that we claim time for self-care; however, we are still operating from an old mindset about what self-care is.
Let’s stop thinking of self-care as a list of perfect habits and instead of focusing on what we do; let’s harness what’s possible when we have a healthy relationship with ourselves.
YOU ARE THE X FACTOR
Many say that once they turn 50 they stop caring what other people think of them, and they start focusing on what they need to be, who they are and who they want to be, –not what others want them to be.
How about we reclaim that NOW?
Reality is… YOU are your most important and essential instrument. YOU MATTER MORE THAN YOU WILL PROBABLY EVER KNOW!
So, let’s explore self-care in real life. The one we have, not the one we wish we had, so that we can reclaim agency and build the work and life that helps us change and grow in a way that protects, respects, and honors our most important resource at work and in life, our humanity. Our very SELF.
