Cutting through the overwhelm
illustration: Remy Holwick
We have so many questions every day, - and most of them are unproductive because under stress, we focus on what’s not working rather than being curious about how to make things work. It’s not you – it is how we humans function, and it has saved us from danger for centuries. However, working that way every single day is exhausting. The good thing is, we can cut through the noise inside our mind with a pause, and by consciously asking better questions.
THE WRONG WHY
Questions can work against us or for us. The mind processes thousands of thoughts all day long, and often these are coming through as questions. In these questions, we find ourselves asking “the wrong why”, making it easy to get stuck in confusion, and lose agency over our workday.
Pause and think for a moment if you do this: “I don’t understand why this is not working. Why can I never get this to work? Why am I getting this wrong? Why am I not…”
The way the mind works is that it will then answer those questions for you, and that’s how we get stuck in what’s not working. One of the reasons I studied and became certified in hypnotherapy was because I found it fascinating how we can direct our mind, or not, to work better for us.
THE RIGHT WHY®
The way we can start working positivity into our inner questions and our self-talk is by first asking why something matters to us. During my 18 years of coaching, I found that when we connect with the purpose of our actions – even the small ones like picking a good cup of tea – we struggle less when it comes to cutting through the noise that makes it so overwhelming to make the “right” decisions. I say the right decisions, because we tend to be so hard on ourselves that something has to be right, when it can really just be right for now, allowing ourselves to be more adaptable and agile in how we navigate our daily challenges. When we ask The Right Why®, our mind starts to help us find the answer that allows us to move forward and solve the right problem. I will dig more into that in another article for you, since there’s so much great science in making our mind work better for us.
“WE TEND TO LOOK FOR THE ANSWERS WHEN REALLY, IT’S THE QUESTIONS THAT GUIDE OUR ATTENTION”.
When I created The Self-Care Mindset®, I set out to build a framework toward achieving greater productivity, stronger relationships, and a better work culture that supports our work/life quality, rather than detracting from it. It’s based on mindfulness, emotional intelligence and neuro-science, along with my years growing up as a competitive gymnast and navigating the mental health struggles of my mom.
I think of self-care as a growth mindset, because it’s how we can keep supporting ourselves in moving forward and reclaiming agency over our lives.
As a child I grew up dealing with anxiety and a deep fear of being alone and abandoned. Given some childhood trauma, I still fear loss, and today I have to actively engage with my fear to make sure it doesn’t run off with me and take me down the rabbit hole – even if I like rabbits.
Every day I start with a constructive question based on my right why – “how can I... today?”
My question tends to be, how can I help today? Or, how can I make a difference today? My young life was centered around saving my mom from her depression, and it’s shaped me into a person who wants to help humanity navigate our very own emotional landscape, so that it can work better for us.
THE 4 QUESTIONS OF THE SELF-CARE MINDSET®
Once you get used it, it becomes like a sentence or a mantra that you can ask yourself:
SELF-COMMUNICATION
“Who is thinking? Is it my inner critic or the inner coach?”
Self communication is observing the inner dialog, and shifting the attention to our inner coach, if our inner critic is the voice we hear. In survival mode, our inner critic is running the show. Fear, uncertainty, and doubt (FUD) drive us to work harder and faster, with stress flooding our nervous system with cortisol which then triggers us to feel even more FUD, and is not sustainable. When we pause to observe who is thinking, we have the opportunity to engage the curiosity of the inner coach, instead.
SELF-AWARENESS
“How am I in there, right now?”
Self awareness means observing our emotions, and letting them be information that can lead us forward. We are staying with curiosity and simply noticing, instead of suppressing or dismissing. We can use our emotions as a doorway to cultivate better connection, communication and collaboration. Remember, AI is trying to figure out how to have emotions and be more human. So let’s use our human advantage for growth, by noticing our emotions and then asking…
SELF-RESPONSIBILITY
“What do I need so that I can –––––?”
We tend to think our needs are a problem or cannot be met, or that we have to wait until… And let’s be honest, when is that? We have different needs at different times throughout the day. Getting our needs met is like building a scaffolding that supports us in reaching our goals, be that for the hour, for the day, or even for the week.
The point is to use the two questions above to learn more about what you need to be at your best. It could be 5 minutes between meetings to “air out your mind”, so that you can reset and refocus. It could be that you need to get up and walk about. It could be that you need food at a certain time to keep your energy and your mind working optimally. Taking responsibility for your needs by respecting yourself and your body is how we reclaim agency, because we see our value and contribution as important. Which then brings us to the last question…
SELF-EXPRESSION
“How do I ask for what I need?”
This final question is about empowering ourselves to speak up and ask for what we need. So often we assume people know what we need and we don’t even ask. Instead, we feel undervalued and not important. We must ask for what we need by saying, “I need ____ so that I can ___.”
Maybe you need five minutes to go grab some water and a snack, let the dog out, or just pause to breathe because you are still processing the last meeting, and your mind is stuck in the inner critic? You use the 4 Questions to get yourself to a place where you're able to reach out and say, “Hey, can we start a couple minutes later, because I need a pause, so I can be fully present in our meeting?".
Who’s going to say no to that? Everyone wants the best of you, but that doesn’t have to mean all of you.
When we communicate why it matters, why it helps us achieve the goal or be present to the meeting, or why it helps us take a step back and revisit something with fresh eyes, we start working better. That’s why we need to implement self-care into the way we work. That’s The Right Why® in action.
Because let’s face it, we care better about others and work when we feel included, valued and supported, and it all starts with how we care about ourselves. This is how we change culture. Because self-care is how we connect, communicate and collaborate with care, and create impact in the world, together.
May the Pause be with you,
