TO STRESS OR NOT

Can we avoid stress?

I remember the sound of the ticking clock in my grandmother's kitchen. It's the same sound that my bathroom clock makes. Sometimes, when I'm rushing to get ready, I don't hear it, and that's when I need it the most because the sound reminds me of love and care.

The sound of the clock brings back memories of the moments I would sit in her kitchen and watch her cook. It felt warm and safe.

The funny thing is, my grandmother had a tendency to get stressed —not about cooking, but about going on stage when she was performing. She was an opera singer with a truly beautiful voice, so she really had nothing to worry about —or stress about, at least it seemed so.

But we never know what stresses people out, do we?

When my dog licks her paw, I get stressed. Yup. Consistent and repetitive sounds stress me out. It's like torture, really. Not the clock, however, but the licking. It seems I have a gene where certain repetitive sounds, like someone chewing with their mouth open, will make me so stressed that you could find me yelling at people or my dog if I didn't know better.

Knowing better means... knowing myself.

KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS

I know when I need to get out of trouble, take a pause and remove myself from stressful situations.

We cannot always do that, but we can communicate if we are stuck and working on calming our stress response down.

As I write this newsletter, my upstairs neighbor is rehearsing his violin. It's been three days in a row, so I'm guessing he's getting ready to perform a new piece at the Met, where he plays. I love the violin; it reminds me of my grandfather. But if I didn't like it, I might have been more stressed out by it.

Sometimes, we need to shift how we think about what stresses us and change our relationship with it. Like parents no longer hear their kids playing in the background, someone without kids does. We all have different relationships with sounds, and recognizing that helps us reclaim agency over how we respond to it.

I don't believe we can avoid stress or should even try to. What I do suggest is that we learn what stresses us out, what calms us down, which situations trigger us, and how we can self-regulate.

Self-regulation is a tool to manage stress rather than self-soothing, which tends to mean numbing the stressful feelings. That shows up in food, alcohol, drugs, and shopping instead of getting out for a walk, taking a couple of breaths, playing some music, talking to people, or doing something to get our mind off the stressful issue for a moment.

STRESS-TOOLS

Power-Pausing is a powerful stress-regulating tool because it allows you to regain agency over how you respond to and in the situation. It gives you back the power of choice.

Power-Pausing gives you space in your mind to listen and ask questions, challenge your perceptions, and change your behaviors.

You can learn a lot more about that in my upcoming TEDx talk, How Power-Pausing Can Turn Fear into Clarity and Confidence. You could also call it turning stress into focused attention because that's the key when stressed. Our attention is hijacked by perceived danger or noises that just make the nervous system feel like it's under attack.

So, next time you feel the stress building, pause and step away, physically, mentally, and emotionally, to put some distance between it and you. Then, ask yourself what would be a good response to the situation that leaves you feeling more in control of your stress.

Learn tools that help you navigate your stressors. Tapping, also called EFT, is a great tool for processing stress. For some, working out, walking, running, or outdoors helps. For others, being alone to meditate or listen to calming music helps. There is no right or wrong way; there is only the difference between whether we stress or not.