WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN FACING ADVERSITY?

Growing through adversity

When I tell people some of the stories of my life, they often comment that I’m strong. I don't think of myself as strong. I think of myself as sensitive, with hope and curiosity strong enough to believe that I will figure it out and get through it. 

Till now, I haven't been wrong. I'm still here.

Let's not confuse being able to look back at an event, even when traumatic, and talk about it in the past as being strong, as if it hasn't touched us. It all touches us if we are human. The question is if we are willing to let it make us more human by allowing the experience to teach us about ourselves.

I'm not talking about being more or less human in practical terms; I'm talking about being strong enough to be vulnerable to our own humanity. We are not less human if we don't feel. But we are closed down and shut off from our own humanity, which is all we have at the end of the day. It's what connects us and keeps us alive. It's what makes us cultivate better teams that do better work together. It's what makes us able to pause and rethink if there's a better way to solve a problem. It's what makes us curious and what we need to have confidence.

We often think that confident people are not touched by what happens around them and to them. What if that's all wrong and fake? What if, instead, confident people are the ones who face their fears, face adversity, face challenges and acknowledge that they don't know how to "fix things" and set out to figure it out? What if confident people overcome adversity, not by biting down and pushing harder, but by opening up their minds and hearts to connect with what they care about and keep going and growing through the fear and adversity instead?

Growing through adversity means that adversity changes us.

When things get difficult, we tend to drop our self-care and focus on sticking to what we know. That’s how we burn out, not because we wear out from working too much - which is often how we deal with adversity - but because we’re not integrating our emotions.

When I was working with cancer patients, they would tell me that they wouldn't want to be without their cancer experience. Why? Because they learned so much about themselves and their relationship with self changed. Many liked themselves so much more now. Not everyone has that perspective, though; many say that cancer sucks (it does) and they are happy to have it behind them, and they go back to the lives they lived before. I'm not suggesting one is right or better. I am saying that adversity tends to call on us to wake up to the innate strength of our humanity rather than the strength that comes from pushing through.

The heart is the key

What we care about makes us stronger.

It takes me back to the wake-up call that got me changing pretty much everything in my life. My second marriage had ended, I had moved, closed my design branding business and started a job with a client as Exec VP when my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Soon after, my mom was diagnosed with a third time breast-cancer. With both of my parents in cancer treatment at the same time in two different countries - my mom was in treatment in Denmark, my dad in New York - and me having a very busy job, I made choices based on sticking it out and just keeping going. I didn't pause to ask questions. I didn't slow down. I didn’t let my heart speak about how scared I was. I was doing it all from an intellectual perspective. 

When the call came that my mom had died on her way to the hospital, I knew I was too late. 

I was too late to tell her I loved her.

Ever since that day, I have let adversity be my teacher. I have paused to listen and ask more questions before deciding what to do, and I have kept from trying to hold on to what changed. It's gone, and I can only work with what is there now.

The hardest reality is that we cannot change what's happening. We can only change how we engage and respond because of it. We cannot look back in blame and regret; we can only learn how to grow from it. We cannot predict or control the future, but we can learn the skills to navigate uncertainty and harness change so that we can grow through the adversity that life essential is. If you expect a straight and easy road where you can make goals and stick to them, you may be in for a struggle. Instead, if you expect twists and turns, bumps and potholes, detours and road-works, you can develop the confidence that you will figure it out.